Welcome to Single Parent Tips

Give Yourself Time to Heal

Give yourself time to grieve over the loss of your marriage partner. It is a death of a relationship and should be treated as such. Do not jump out there and make rash decisions or rush into another relationship until you have had time to heal. Move on and forward, just don't move too quickly. Rid yourself of the emotions of one relationship before you go looking for another one.

Create a Stable Nurturing Home

Tip from Shellee Darnell in article entitled Single Parents Raise Good Kids Too! Nurturing is a high priority, but children also crave stability and security. While this is important for all children, it is especially crucial for children who have suffered a loss of stability due to divorce or death of a parent. Children need to feel secure and protected, and it is our job as parents to create a nurturing environment where they can thrive. Your children need to hear how much you love them and how proud you are. Some children may require more affection and attention than others, so know your child, and take your cue from him/her.”

Absent Father

If your son questions why he sees other children with fathers while his is not around, it might help to explain that all families are different. Some have two parents and some have one, and some have two children and some have only one. He might understand better if he acknowledges that there are families out there just like his.

Don´t Put Your Kids in the Middle

Do not put your kids in the middle of your domestic problems. Do not use your kids as message carriers or spies. Communicate with your ex directly or indirectly in writing if necessary, but refrain from asking your child to relay messages.

Power struggles--Don´t Play the Game!

What divorced parent does not deal with power games? The realization is, however, you do not have to play the game. You are responsible for your own actions, not the other person's. Try to develop as harmonious a relationship as possible with your ex. Don't put your kids in the middle of a tug-of-war. Everyone loses, especially the kids. Since nobody wins, refuse to play.

Don´t Spoil Your Children

Don´t give in to your child´s every whim. Single parents oftentimes are guilty of giving that extra toy or candy bar as a means of trying to replace the love of a missing parent. Unfortunately the end result is spoiling their kids in the process. This leads to needless time consuming battles over control. (If you loved me, you would buy this for me, OR buy this and I won't throw a fit here in the store!) You can't equate love with material things, so don't confuse your children by putting them on the same level. You are their parent, you love them dearly, and love them enough to say no. End of discussion.

Stop the fighting

To begin to feel emotionally secure and in charge means to end the fighting. Most people fight over the assets only to end up losing them to attorney´s fees. If you are engaged in battle, ask yourself how what you are fighting for balances with your emotional well being. You can not start a new life until you end the old one.

Working with your acting out child

If your child begins to act out during or after the divorce, do not assume that it is the other parent´s fault. Ask your child why they are unhappy and do it in a manner that does not give them the answer you want to hear. For example, do not say, "Are you doing badly in school because you do not like to visit dad?" Instead say, "Why do you feel you have not been doing well in school? Let´s see what we can do to improve your school work." This leaves dad or mom out and allows the child to state what he or she really feels. Children wish to please adults and often they will answer what they think you want to hear, not what they are feeling.

Joint Custody Issues

It is quite common these days for divorcing parents to receive joint physical custody. While joint custody can be good for maintaining contact with your child, it can create a whole new set of problems than if only one parent had custody with the other parent awarded visitation rights. Shuttling children between two households continually can create anxiety and insecurity in children. Make sure you make the needs of your child your priority, not your own desires, or your need to get back at the other parent. What is best for your child?

Helping Kids Deal with Divorce

Children have a natural tendency to blame themselves when their parents get a divorce. Reassure your child that the problem is between you and the other parent, not with them. They have done nothing wrong and are not to blame. Just because one parent will no longer be in the home doesn´t mean you are no longer a family. Assure them of your love and that you are not going to leave too, which is another fear the child may experience. Provide as much love and stability and reassurance as you can. Listen to your child and deal lovingly with any concerns they may have regarding how this will affect their future.

Understanding Rejection

Rejection--a term that anyone who has been through a divorce knows and understands well. But you need to realize, you are not the only one who is feeling rejected. Your children also feel rejected by their parent who has abandoned them for whatever reason. Many times children feel like it was their fault. It is important to talk with your children and help them understand how very much you love them and that you will always be there for them.

When your spouse leaves

When your spouse leaves, it is painful. Often the person who is left feels as though their life has been destroyed. They can not understand why this has happened, why they have stopped loving them. You may feel helpless, lost and desperately want them to return. The reality often is that the marriage has not worked for a long time. All the signs were there but you could not cope with the thought of breaking up the family. You may feel betrayed. You are starting the mourning period. It is similar to losing someone to a heart attack, it seems quick and without warning. You knew something was wrong but you thought it would go away as it has so many other times, but this time they are not coming home. Often the spouse who leaves will be cold and distant, they need to be because this is something they have been working towards for a long time. Turn to your friends or a support group for comfort. Those who are left and those who leave can not share this time, and it will only hurt you further if you seek comfort or understanding from the person who left.

Stability for You and Your Kids

Provide a stable environment for your children. Let's face it, not only has your world been turned upside down, but also your children's. Step back and realize your children are looking up to you to lead them down the scary road ahead. One of the most important things you can give them is stability. Try to keep as many routines in your daily life as possible. If you're moving to a new environment, try to arrange the furniture in their room similar to the room they just left. If they are used to making weekly trips to the park or grandma's, continue those trips when possible. The less disruption to their lives, the more settled they will be.

Give Your Children Time to Heal

Your children will also go through a period of grieving as part of the divorce process. Your child no longer has two parents in the home, but one. In some ways divorce is harder for a child to deal with than the death of a parent. Help your children see the benefits from the new situation (more peace and less conflict, opportunities to make new friends, new quality time with the other parent that may not have been present before, etc.) Time does heal all wounds, so give your kids time to heal.

Joint Physical Custody vs. Joint Legal Custody

Joint physical custody is where the child spends part of each week with each parent, continually shuttling back forth between two households. Joint legal custody allows both parents to make decisions affecting a child's life, but the child physically lives with one parent, and visits with the other.

The emotional roller coaster of divorce

When a couple separates it is common to feel depressed. Get into counseling, individual or group so that you will know you are not alone.

Grief and Divorce

In many ways divorce is like death. It is the ending of family life as your children know it. The child no longer has two parents in the home, but one. In some ways divorce is harder for a child to deal with than the death of a parent. This is especially true if the parents engage in power wars and struggles, in which case your child gets caught in the middle. They end up being torn between the two of you, each one trying to outdo the other, leaving the child confused and distressed about life. For the sake of your grieving child, eliminate the power wars please.