Discuss Issues

Discuss issues together. If your child is facing a problem in school, social life, or at home, let the other parent know. Think it through together. Both of you should have your child´s best interests at heart and even if you are not able to come to an agreement on how to handle the situation, both of you know what is going on.

Don´t Expect Too Much

Be realistic in your expectations. You were married to this person and probably know them better than they know themselves. Therefore you can probably predict their behavior and response to certain situations. Don't deliberately try to antagonize or upset the other person to get revenge. Learn the true meaning of forgiveness and get on with your life. If you harbor unforgiveness and bitterness, it will hinder your future. Let go of the past and look forward to the future. Give your ex time for his/her wounds to heal. Don't expect too much from them. Take it one step at a time and try to work toward a harmonious relationship for your children's sakes. Sometimes you may be able to compromise on issues, other times you may have to agree to disagree, but try to find a workable solution. Just don't expect too much cooperation too soon. Be sincere at all times and don't play games!

Keep the Other Parent Informed

Keep the other parent posted on the little things. Send copies of report cards, drawings and graded papers on a regular basis. Kids often will not share all these things if they have limited time with the other parent. Make a special place to put items from school or home and be sure that the child remembers to take these items with them when they go on the visit. This gives the non-custodial parent insight into the little things that are going on and can help conversations when the parent and the child feel awkward.

Get Help in Collecting Child Support

The Child Support Enforcement agency is a government agency set up to help custodial parents receive child support payments on a regular basis. If you are not familiar with this agency, check the divorce laws for your state to see if child support is mandated to be paid through this agency. You can find links to organizations such as Divorcesource.com or Divorcesupport.com listed here at Singleparent Tips. These sites list the laws for each individual state and should contain links to obtaining information for your area. This agency has a very good track record in finding errant parents who have been negligent in providing for their child's needs.

Avoid Mudslinging

From the Top 10 Mistakes Moms Make with Their Exes by Sally Abrahms
Engaging in mudslinging in front of the children is a big mistake. Children suffer emotionally when they hear one parent badmouthing the other. Name calling also increases the ill will and escalates conflict with your ex. Try to work together, not against each other. Everyone loses in mudslinging and name calling. You want to win, not lose. Forget the past, move ahead toward a peaceful future.

Communicating Negative Messages

Be careful not to use your child as a message bearer to communicate with your ex-spouse. If your child delivers a negative message for you, your child risks receiving the brunt of the other person's anger. Keep your children out of your domestic squabbles. They will only confuse and upset your child who is trying to be loyal to both of you. Communicate negative messages yourself by whatever means is appropriate, just make sure it does not include your kids.

No Bad-Mouthing

Be careful about saying unkind things about your child's missing parent. Try not to even think them or it will eventually come out. The mouth tends to speak what is in the heart, so keep your heart clean. Children need to be taught to respect their parents, even when one of them tends to act like a jerk. In time your children may see the truth for themselves, but hopefully by that time they have matured enough to realize we cannot control another person's behavior. Teach them to love and respect all people, even when that love is not returned. Don't put your child in a position of having to take sides against the other parent. They should love you both.

Don't Cut Your Ex Out of the Loop

From the Top 10 Mistakes Moms Make with Their Exes by Sally Abrahms
Keep your ex-spouse informed about everyday happenings and problems concerning your child. This includes school events and extracurricular activities. You may not want him there, but your child probably does. Put your selfish feelings aside and consider your child's well being. And it will go a long way in building a peaceful, harmonious relationship.
Source: women.com/family/features/divorce/f0406toptenex.html

Forget Past Mistakes

From the Top 10 Mistakes Moms Make with Their Exes by Sally Abrahms
Don't bring up past mistakes and injustices. Throw away your laundry list of complaints and stay focused on the topic of discussion. Forget past mistakes, deal with the present. Hopefully they have learned from their past mistakes. It is time to forgive and forget.

Stay Calm

If your ex tries to get you upset or angry, stay calm. Don't respond to his anger or engage in a confrontation he is trying to get you involved in. Be sincere and calm in your response. As the old saying goes, “kill them with kindness” (not literally of course!) Deal with the situation the same as you would with a hostile customer at work. Don't take it personally even though it is directed at your personally. Tell them you are sorry they feel that way but the situation is out of your control, the situation can't be undone, you are not able to discuss the issue with them, or whatever the rationale is. When dealing with men, remember that men are factual and respond to facts, not emotions. Getting upset and angry only fuels their fire more because men, by nature, are usually not geared to handle emotional issues, which leaves them even more frustrated and angry. Therefore you end up in a vicious cycle from which you need to remove yourself. Take away the fuel and the fire will die out.

Communication is Important

If you and your ex are unable to carry on a civil conversation, you may need to find other ways to communicate information such as through letters or notes. If it is a very hostile situation that could end up in court, be sure to make copies of all your written communications to have as evidence should you need it. Some people have to communicate solely through lawyers, which is sad because the two adults are acting worse than a couple of two-year olds fighting over the same toy, except it is a child. If the other spouse insists upon acting like a child, then you need to be the grown-up and, by example, teach the other parent how to communicate. Set a good example for your children and exhibit some maturity in handling your side of the situation. Show them the right way to handle negative situations, not the wrong way, which is stooping to the other parent's level. Respect yourself even if your ex doesn't show you any.

Information Required by Child Support Enforcement

All custodial parents whether aid or non-aid should provide the CSE (Child Support Enforcement) agency with all the necessary information, such as a copy of any existing court order for child support, a complete payment history, as much location information on the non-custodial parent as possible, and birth certificates for the children if needed. Failure to provide required information will result in long delays.

No Double Standards

From the Top 10 Mistakes Moms Make with Their Exes by Sally Abrahms
If you set a standard for your ex-spouse, be prepared to live up to the same standard. If it is important for your ex-spouse to show up on time, and you hold him to this, be sure that you are not late yourself. If you set requirements for your ex-spouse, it is only fair that you hold yourself to the same expectation.

No Accusations

From the Top 10 Mistakes Moms Make with Their Exes by Sally Abrahms
Hurling accusations such as “You are selfish, and that is why you are constantly late picking up Ryan” is not helpful. It would be better to address how you ex-spouse's behavior affects Ryan (“He said he feels bad because he is late for basketball practice and the coach gets mad.”)

What your ex should know

Never tell your children to keep something secret from your ex. Your ex and the world at large have a right to know whatever your child knows. Telling children to keep secrets is harmful to the child´s development. Children are innocent and will tell every thing they know to anyone. This is normal, do not tamper with it. Telling children to keep secrets makes them vulnerable to people who want to exploit them and makes them feel guilty when they talk to their other parent. If you do not want your ex to know something, do not let the children know.

Avoid Becoming Jealous of Time Your Children Spend with the Other Parent

From the Top 10 Mistakes Moms Make with Their Exes by Sally Abrahms
Thinking that if your children spend time with their dad, you will be replaced or won't matter as much to them is a wrong attitude. You are very important to your children so do not allow yourself to feel threatened by the fact your children want and need to spend time with their other parent. Your children need to be loved by both parents and should not have to feel like they are in the middle of a tug-of-war. Just love your children and be the best parent you can and forget about competing with the other parent or feeling threatened by him. Real love cannot be bought, sold, or manipulated.
Source: www.women.com/family/features/divorce/f0406toptenex.html

Your Child Is not a Message Center

Never use your child as a message bearer. Your child will inevitably end up in the middle of the war zone, which is not fair. Children should not be exposed to their parents' immaturity. Try to find an appropriate method of communication that does not put your children in the middle. Leave a message on an answering machine or write a letter and mail it if necessary, but don't rely upon your children to communicate your messages. The message can be forgotten, misunderstood by the child and miscommunicated to the other adult, etc. If it is important, put it in writing. Just don't rely upon your children to deliver it or it may get lost or forgotten.

How to communicate without talking

If you can not speak to your ex-spouse, try writing. When you write make sure you stay on the point, do not use accusations or insults. Send your letter twenty four hours after you have written it and make sure to re-read it again. When you write, pretend that it will be read by your children or a Judge, as this may happen.